time thoughts

Back in Bellingham it is Wednesday. Actually, now it early Thursday morning because it is late now – almost Friday. Nineteen hours between. Time is a big marker of this experience – as much for its lack of presence as its omnipresence. Our rhythm is much simpler now – far less dependent on exactly what time it is, but still so much about things past and things to come.

I’m reading another Adam Miller book, mostly about time. Only a few chapters in and so much truth already opened up to me. Trouble is – how do I live by those truths? How do I live in the present, really? I’ve been buffeted by the past and spurned* toward the future for as long as thoughts extend in that direction. I’m trying to savor the now, more. To just appreciate what is happening right now. Only, that won’t be enough. There are these spaces between when it is too quiet – not enough activating to push out the creep of what was and what may be. What is desirable, what I fear. If I can’t dig into that forward or backward ebb and there is nothing else to fill it up, I run. Running is one of the only things that erases what was and what will be to hyper focus on what is. At least for the first bit until I’m spent.

This greasy build up of so many pasts and overlayed futures only seems to reveal itself the more I scrub at it. I don’t know how to solve it yet.

Dottie, for example. I am drawn to comfort, nurture, soothe her, of course. So often it seems no amount I offer is enough. Do I give her more? Less? Everyday is a new experiment with inconclusive results.

Many beautiful moments here, though. The natural world. The movement of water over sand and all the patterns left behind tracing those forces. The shells, intricate, broken, innumerable. Songs of birds. The girls playing with each other in the house and outside. Snuggling with Dottie.

This time thing is worth figuring out.

*Okay, so maybe not an accurate use of this word here, but I’m going with the archaic definition: “strike, tread or push away with the foot” according to Google’s dictionary.

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